


I Don’t Believe In God, But I Believe In You

by AWritersFool



Series: Something More [2]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Comfort, F/F, Protective Toni, fatin is a good big sister, they’d be dead without dot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWritersFool/pseuds/AWritersFool
Summary: Toni doesn’t think much about the universe’s plan to overthrow her anymore. Not when Shelby holds her hand, or kisses her lips, or opens up to her and tells her secrets, or listens to Toni’s. Not when Martha looks at her like she’s proud of her. Or when she learns diving from Rachel, or when she meditates with Nora and Leah. Not even when Fatin teases her, or when Dot claps her back. She thinks, maybe for once, the universe is giving her a break. And Toni revels in that feeling of happiness that she thinks might last.So of course, it happens when she least expects it.Or the one in which Shelby gets sick and Toni loses it and eventually they learn how to fight for each other.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: Something More [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135091
Comments: 13
Kudos: 142





	I Don’t Believe In God, But I Believe In You

**Author's Note:**

> hello again ! here’s a second part to this series, this little piece that i wrote is one that i hold very dearly to my heart as some themes that i mention here hit a little to close to home. but nonetheless, i hope that you enjoy it !:)  
> it’s not beta’d btw and for full disclosure i don’t know shit abt meds so i apologize in advance if anything’s inaccurate hihi
> 
> edit : i’ve added a missing discussion that felt quite necessary

Toni thinks her life must be a cosmic joke and that she must be the punchline.

It had been almost three months since they first arrived on the island. At first, Toni thought the universe must’ve had a personal vendetta against her for no particular reason. After all, what are the chances of getting stranded on an island at least once in your lifetime?

Toni thinks the universe really hated her from the moment she was born. As if it saw her come out of her mother’s womb and said, “you’re in for a treat, little one”, and decided to throw at her hardship after hardship, fight after fight. The universe did give her Martha, the only constant in her life to keep her sane, or at least to keep her going long enough just so it could torture her longer.

As it turns out, it does torture her longer. Sends her to hell on earth even. And hell on earth isn’t what she expected. It comes in the form of black sand beaches and unforgiving wilds. It comes in empty stomachs and sleepless nights. It comes in blonde hair, freckled skin, and deep green eyes.

Toni thinks the universe is plotting something when hell turns into paradise. Those beaches become more welcoming and the wilds, less threatening. Empty stomachs are more bearable, and nights are spent stargazing. Blonde hair become a reassurance; freckled skin somehow becomes a refuge. And green eyes, a promise.

But Toni doesn’t think much about the universe’s plan to overthrow her anymore. Not when Shelby holds her hand, or kisses her lips, or opens up to her and tells her secrets, or listens to Toni’s. Not when Martha looks at her like she’s proud of her. Or when she learns diving from Rachel, or when she meditates with Nora and Leah. Not even when Fatin teases her, or when Dot claps her back. She thinks, maybe for once, the universe is giving her a break. And Toni revels in that feeling of happiness that she thinks might last.

So of course, it happens when she least expects it.

She’s on laundry duty and hears screaming from the other side of the beach. Toni sees Dot’s silhouette from afar. She had gone on wood duty with Shelby a few hours ago. Only now, Toni sees Dot carrying Shelby on her back, screaming for help. Her body reacts before her mind and she’s already sprinting down the beach. Fatin, Martha and Rachel have already reached them when Dot sinks to the ground and Toni sees them huddle over the two Texans.

When Toni arrives, she hears Dot’s strained voice and harsh breathing. She’s knelt on the ground next to Shelby who’s unconscious and very worryingly pale. Toni’s heart clenches and a feeling of dread blooms through her veins. She almost trips as she kneels next to Dot. She wants to touch Shelby, but she looks so fragile and Toni can already feel her blood pumping through every limb, she’s afraid Shelby might break. Or that she herself would break. She turns to Dot, “What the fuck happened?” It comes out a little too harshly when she says it and she almost winces at her own tone.

“We were out in the woods and Shelby wasn’t feeling too well.” Dot stammers through her hoarse breathing. “She insisted that she was alright but then she started shaking and vomiting. She ended up fainting and…” Dot looks like she wants to add something, but a flash of fear passes through her eyes. Toni feels that unsettling thrill pass through her again, “And what?”, she presses.

“She wasn’t breathing.” Dot tries not to look at Toni when she speaks. Toni’s mind fogs up and she can’t feel the rest of her body. She looks at Shelby again, hands trembling as she reaches out to take hers. “I had to practice CPR on her but she’s still too weak. I ran as fast as I could but if we don’t get the medicine now…” Dot doesn’t finish her sentence and Toni doesn’t want to imagine what she was about to say. She presses her finger on Shelby’s wrist and feels a small, very weak pulse.

Toni feels like she wants to scream and curse, but she’s worked too hard on her anger to give into it. Flashbacks of Martha’s black out many nights ago pass through her head as she looks at Shelby’s frail body, and Toni can’t handle this, not again. But Shelby is dying, and Dot is exhausted and if they don’t act now… Toni doesn’t want to think about it. So, she does what she thinks Shelby would do and, as calmly as she can, she rises and addresses the other girls. “Fatin, go get the medicine bag. Rachel help me carry Shelby. Martha, help Dot out.” She instructs them. They all look at her, varying worried looks on their faces. She can tell they’re also worried about her, but Shelby is dying, and she doesn’t have time for this. She shakes her head, and with trembling arms, she hoists Shelby’s arms under hers. She is burning and Toni feels the urge to cry but tries her best to supress it. The other girls still stare at her, they all share a look before Fatin reaches out and says, “Toni, let me do that. You can get the medicine.” She offers gently. Toni recognizes that tone. It’s the same one people would give her every time she told them she was a foster kid. She bites her tongue and grits out, “It’s fine. Just get the medicine.”

But Fatin still presses on. “Toni you’re clearly not in a state to handle this and –” And Toni feels the frustration and anger rise in her chest, because they’re all worried about her when they should be more worried about Shelby. “Just get the fucking meds Fatin! I got this!”, she snaps. And maybe it comes way too harshly. Fatin eyes her, a little taken aback, her features straighten, and she looks a bit hurt. Toni almost regrets but Shelby is dying, and if she sees them look at her like she’s going mad again she might actually lose it. And she can’t allow herself to, not when the one person who’s made her feel worth something is laying almost dead in her arms. She collects herself enough to try and apologies, but Fatin nods at her and makes her way towards the woods hastily.

When they arrive at the camp, Leah’s already got a bottle of water and a wet cloth ready. Toni and Rachel lay Shelby down gently onto the ground. When Leah presses the cloth against her temple, she stirs a little and lets out a weak breath.

Toni reacts immediately to hold her hand. “I’m here, Shelbs.” She croaks, stroking her hair. Shelby is starting to wake up, but she looks so sick and she’s trembling. She leans onto her side and starts puking. Toni comes closer to her, hand firmly on Shelby to steady her. She looks as bad as Toni had been after the mussel incident. She’s barely conscious and barely breathing. Her coughs are wet, and she shakes.

Leah sits closely, “she’s got to drink some water.” She hands Toni a diet Coke can who presses it slowly to Shelby’s mouth. “Come on, Shelby. You’ve got to drink.” She says gently. But Shelby ends up coughing even more when she swallows the water. Toni looks at her almost desperately. Finally, Fatin arrives with the bag of medicine, completely out of breath.

“Which one does she have to take, Dot?” Toni urges. Dot looks exhausted, but she’s still rummaging through the bag hurriedly. She searches through the dozens of pills. “We’ve got to make sure she takes the right medicine. Make sure that whatever caused this doesn’t react badly with the effects of the pill.” She explains.

“Do we even know what caused this in the first place?” Nora asks. “Was it something she ate?”

“She’s allergic to shellfish, right? Maybe she ate some accidently.” Leah prompts. “No way, we haven’t had anything from the ocean since the mussel incident.” Fatin counters.

Dot finds a box. “Here, this might help.” She takes out a pill and passes it to Leah who looks at Dot incredulously. “Oxycodone? Isn’t that a bit risky?” she asks. “Well I don’t think anything else will do the job. We don’t have a choice here.”

“But didn’t you say we had to be careful?” Nora interjects. “It might react badly, especially with the state she’s in right now.”

Toni’s half paying attention to the others. She can barely feel her body moving when she looks at Shelby, she’s completely overtaken by fear. Everything she’s ever wanted is coughing in pain in her own arms. Toni feels something she hadn’t felt for a while. A spark that lights in the pit of her stomach. That feeling knew its way inside Toni’s body very well. It’d start there, then would bloom into her chest, make its way to Toni’s jaw, clenching it hard. Then it would hijack the part of Toni’s brain that connected reason and action. And finally, it’d settle in her limbs, make her throw fist after fist, and in her mouth, spitting curse after curse.

The girls are still arguing when she speaks up. “Just give her the damn pill for fuck’s sake!” she all but growls at them. She’s fuming now, because Shelby is _dying_ , and no one is doing anything. And she can’t lose her, she just can’t. Hot tears are falling from her eyes now and she clenches her eyes and clutches Shelby’s body close to her. Suddenly Shelby’s body starts shaking again. “What’s happening?” Martha asks worriedly.

“Shit!” Dot exclaims. She hurries over to Shelby and takes Toni’s place. “She’s convulsing.” Shelby stops shaking all at once and Dot gasps loudly. “What’s going on?” Toni whimpers. Dot doesn’t answer and starts to apply CPR to Shelby’s chest.

She feels a hand on her shoulder. Martha’s looking at her and beckons her to move back. “No get off me!” Toni shouts at her. But Martha presses. “Toni, come on. You’re barely functioning right now.”, she pleads. Martha knows her well. She knows that Toni can’t stand this. She knows that if Toni looks at this scene any longer, she’s going to lose it more than she already has. She knows that if Toni must break down, it’ll be in front of her, away from prying eyes. So, she obliges, and Toni finds she doesn’t have the strength to resist. Martha takes her further away from the camp. Toni clutches at her arms, hands clenching at her shirt, and sobs. She hears Martha’s soft hushing while she strokes Toni’s hair. “I’m so scared Marty. If she – I wouldn’t know what to do. I can’t – I can’t…” She stammers through her tears.

“I know.” Martha whispers reassurinlgy. “She’ll be okay. We’ve got the meds. And Dot’s a CPR champion.” Martha’s voice had always been the only way to reassure her, her gentleness soothing her after a bad nightmare. “And Shelby is a fighter. She’ll get through it.” Toni feels her body relax into Martha’s embrace, her breath evens out a little. She latches onto Martha’s words, and just like when they were kids, when Martha held her after a nightmare, she drifts off.

When she wakes up, the sun had already been long gone. She’s laying against a log, curled up next to Martha who’s asleep too, but still holding her hand. She’s dazed for a few seconds as if she forgot where she was and what had happened a few hours ago. But then she remembers Shelby’s body shaking and going still. She remembers her skin, flaming hot against hers while she was coughing. And Toni feels the fear take over her body again. She shoots up looking around the camp, only to find Fatin huddled next to the fire. She looks up at Toni, eyes tired. Toni’s about to ask her what happened but Fatin’s already speaking before she can even utter a word. “She’s over there.” Fatin points at a blonde bob of hair submerged under layers of clothing, tucked next to a log on the other side of the fire.

“How is she?” She asks quietly. Fatin gives her a small smile. “Recovering. Dot managed to save her and gave her the pill shortly after you blacked out.” She explains, eyes focused on the fire. Toni wants to go closer to Shelby but something in her – fear, perhaps – is telling her not to. So instead she settles next to Fatin in front of the fire. Fatin hands her some left over berries, and Toni is grateful because she just realises, she hadn’t eaten anything since this morning with, well, everything that happened today.

They sit in silence for a moment. Anxiety is still clawing at her, her eyes drifting to look at Shelby of their own accord. “It’s a good thing you weren’t there to see it though.” Fatin says. “It was scary as fuck.” And Toni doesn’t want to imagine. Images of Shelby coughing and shaking flash through her mind and she forces herself not to shake her head at the thought of what could’ve happened. She still shivers though and Fatin notices it.

“She strong.” Fatin speaks again then lets out a little laugh. “Who would’ve thought that our Jesus-loving freak had that much fight in her.” Toni smiles a little at that and shrugs. She stares at the fire. Toni thinks Shelby shouldn’t have to need that much fight. Toni herself had fight, only she did need it. With what the universe had thrown at her through her life, of course Toni hardened and became a fighter. But Shelby? She was too good. Toni thinks the universe shouldn’t be pestering her in the first place. “She shouldn’t have to.” She says.

Fatin stares at her for a moment. She reaches out and squeezes Toni’s hand. “Maybe she found something worth fighting for.” She smiles at Toni, a soft, gentle smile, one Toni wasn’t really used to see. She chews on her lips. Fatin was so kind even after the way she had snapped at her earlier. “I’m sorry.”, she says, “about earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” Toni’s not really used to apologize, well at least through words. She prefers doing it through actions. But lately she had been learning how to open up with words as well. She dares a look towards Fatin and finds her soft smile again. “It’s okay.”, Fatin says, “I understand. If it had been Leah, I think I would’ve burned this stupid island to the ground.”

Toni chuckles. How Fatin managed to turn a horrible situation into a funny one is beyond her. “That much, huh?” She teases her, but Fatin grins even more. “Yup, that much. I’d probably drain the ocean too.” They both laugh lightly. They sit in silence after that and Fatin yawns. Toni offers to take over fire duty and Fatin goes to curl next to Leah. She hesitates for a while, but eventually she decides to check on Shelby and sits next to the blonde. She looks less pale; some colours have already returned. Toni reaches out her hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear but decides not to. She sighs and brings her knees to her chest.

Toni looks up, the sky is clear, and she can see the stars and the moon shine brightly. Toni thinks of how angry she felt. That hadn’t happened in a while. Shelby and her friends were always there to help her mend it. She thinks about how these sorts of things tended to be a pattern. The universe would throw something good at her, then rip it away, or force her to ruin it herself.

Her thoughts drift to Martha, how she had almost lost her too. Shelby’s a lot like her. She’s good and she cares about other people, and she gives more than she should. They are too pure and they chose to stay, even if all the signs in the universe points them not to. And she hates that Martha and Shelby, who matter more than she ever will, who are so good, the only two people ever manage to see her despite everything, must suffer because of the occurring chaos that is her life. Must suffer because of her. And her anger. And her pain. And she tries to rationalize, tries to tell herself all of this was just an accident. Shelby would tell her that, but Toni has seen too many good things slip away from her to not recognise a pattern.

So, when she had almost lost Shelby today, Toni wanted to scream at the universe. She wanted to scream because how dare it try to take away the best person who’d ever come into her life? How dare it try to take away the only person who’s ever made her feel like she mattered? How dare it try to take away the one thing Toni wants?

And Toni thinks she’s never wanted anything more than Shelby. She wants to breath her in until her lungs give out. She wants to leap inside her and find the deepest, unearthed parts of her and learn them by heart. She wants to hold her until their bodies collide, and they become but a singular indistinct entity. She wants to dive in, fall in deep even if she lands on concrete. And when her bone breaks upon it, when there’s nothing left of her but pieces of her broken heart, when the ceilings and the walls she spent years building to protect herself from damage finally come crushing down on her and all she sees is green, and rays of sunshine, and freckled skin and soft lips and -

_And. And. And._

Even if she breaks, Toni thinks, it’ll still be worth it.

But Toni thinks she wouldn’t. Not by Shelby’s doing at least. She’s too good to her. If anything, Toni thinks she’s the one who’ll break her. After all, nothing good lasts in her life, that’s a formula. Toni wants her so much, but losing Shelby terrifies her more than not having her at all.

Shelby stirs a little in her sleep but doesn’t wake. She looks almost at peace, Toni thinks. She wonders if she is dreaming of something. Toni remembers one night when Shelby had woken up panicking because of a nightmare. Toni had held her while Shelby recounted how she saw her father looking down on her in her dream, telling all these horrible things to her, how he’d disown her, how he’d send her to Hell himself. She told Toni that it seemed as if no matter how far away she was from Texas, her father’s words still haunted her. Toni had sensed the sadness and the crippling fear making its way up Shelby’s arms as she shivered and asked her to tell her about a nice dream instead, just to distract her. Shelby looked at her and smiled lightly. “I dreamt of you the other day.”, she had said lightly. Toni had wiggled her eyebrows at her, grin spreading on her face. “Oh?”

Toni had revelled in Shelby’s laughter then, head thrown back as she shoved Toni lightly. “Not like that.”, she said through her laughter. “I dreamt I had a discussion with God about you. And about me.”

“You dream about God?”, Toni asked, startled at the idea. “Does he have a face?”

“Not really. More like a feeling. And a bright light.” Shelby answers.

“Well, what did you tell him?”

Shelby took a moment before she spoke. “I told Him I was happy. And I thanked him for bringing me to you.”, she blushed lightly when she looked up at Toni. Toni’s heart had picked up a bit with Shelby’s confession. She didn’t quite believe if it were possible to speak to God in a dream, but Shelby sounded so sincere then, she didn’t have it in her to argue on that.

“I know you don’t believe in God.” Shelby had said, sensing Toni’s scepticism. “It took a while for me to come to terms with who I am. It took a freaking deserted island even. But you helped a lot. And when I spoke to Him in my dreams about you, it felt good. It felt like He was on my side.” Shelby had smiled at her and Toni wasn’t sure if she believed her, but she still felt somehow proud of Shelby for overcoming this conflict brewing inside of her.

Looking back at Shelby now, Toni wonders if she is dreaming of God again. Wonders if this time she’s pleading with him to let her stay.

Toni doesn’t believe in God. She never had a reason to anyway. If she did believe in the existence of a god, if he truly did appear in Shelby’s dream proclaiming he was on her side just to pull this shit on her, she thinks he’d be a cruel one. How could a god allow such suffering? And Toni should know, her life hasn’t been easy to say the least. Toni would never admit it to anyone but on nights spent in different homes that felt more like stale cold walls devoid of any warmth, or nights spent at the trailer park, balled up on the back of a truck thinking about her mom and wishing she wasn’t so messed up, on days where she’d get into fights and end up being so beaten up she could hardly breath then have no one but herself to take care of her wounds, when she had no one to turn to, when the universe itself tormented her, she’d pray to a god she didn’t believe in. Or rather, she’d yell at them.

She’d ask, ‘ _why me?’_ , hot tears streaming down her face. ‘ _Why did it have to be me?_ ’, while sobbing in the silent and lonely space of the trailer park. ‘ _Please make it stop_.’, she’d plead through gritted teeth, her face contorted in pain and anger. But God never helped, and the pain never stopped.

Toni didn’t believe in God then. Perhaps she thought He didn’t think she was worth saving. Perhaps she thought so too. But she thinks Shelby is worth it. She’s worth everything. So, she starts speaking out loud, not sure who’s listening really. Or if God, or the universe, or whoever took pleasure in tormenting her, is even listening at all.

“She’s good.”, she starts, whispering as to not wake the others up. “She’s good and she’s kind. And she’s worth saving.” Toni lifts her head and looks at the stars. “And she doesn’t deserve to hurt. Not as much as I do.” She huffs.

Toni closes her eyes. “So, don’t let her.” She says, her words sound half pleading, half commanding. “Don’t let her go, and don’t let her hurt.”

Toni sucks a in breath. “And if I have to,” she’s starting to tear up, “I’ll let her go, if it means she gets to live.”

“And if you have to,” Toni adds, her voice hoarse, “take me instead. Not her.” A single tear rolls down her cheek. “Not her.” She repeats into the dark night.

The next day, Toni wakes up with the sun gleaming at her face. The spot next to her, where Shelby should be sleeping, is empty. She sits up and sees Nora who tells her Shelby had woken up a few hours ago and had headed to the waterfall with Dot and Leah to freshen up a bit. Nora tells her they suspected that some particles had latched onto Shelby’s dentures when she washed it in the sea that day and decided that from now on, she’d only clean it with clear water as a precaution.

Toni feels relief pass through her and thinks it’s good that she hasn’t seen Shelby yet. She doesn’t think she could handle it if she saw her right now. She thinks back to last night, what she had… prayed for, and decides to spend some time on her own. Nora still proposes to accompany her, clearly to make sure that she’s okay, but Toni tells her she just needs some time alone.

As it turns out some time alone becomes spending a whole day on the cliff overlooking the beach. Toni is facing the ocean, trying to clear he mind. When the sun is starting to set, she decides to head back to the camp, not sure if she’s ready to face Shelby. But apparently, Shelby doesn’t give her a choice when Toni hears her climbing up the cliff. She turns and sees her. She’s standing a little coyly a few feet away from her. She has her hand clasped in front of her and her face doesn’t look pale anymore, but she still looks exhausted. They stare at each other for a moment, and Toni takes it upon her to start speaking. She clears her throat and asks, “How are you feeling?”

Shelby smiles a bit and looks down at her hands. “I’m feeling better than yesterday for sure.” Her Texan accent curls a little around her words. Toni chews on her lip, “That’s good.”, she stammers.

“I missed you today.”, Shelby says softly, looking up at Toni. She looks like she wants to say something but instead she approaches Toni slowly. Toni takes a breath. “Yeah I needed some time alone. And to give you some space.”

Toni looks away, she can’t bring herself to look at Shelby, not with the images of her from the day before. “I don’t want some space from you, Toni.” Shelby seems to be closer now, her tone is gentle, but Toni hears some sadness in it. She clenches her eyes shut; she can feel them watering.

She feels Shelby’s hand rest ever so gently on her cheek, and when she breathes out Toni’s name, Toni finally breaks. She opens her eyes and can barely make out Shelby’s features through her tears. Shelby hugs her then, and Toni breathes in the skin where her shoulder and her neck meet. They stay like that for what feels like ages, and Toni finally calms down enough to let out a quiet, “I was so fucking scared.” She feels Shelby tightening her arms around her. “I wouldn’t know what to do if you had – if you had –”

And Shelby hushes her, stroking her hair. She pulls back and looks at Toni, cupping her face. Toni reaches to hold Shelby’s left wrist and places her fingers on her pulse. She feels it beat a lot stronger than the day before. Then, Shelby takes her hand and places it against her chest, where her heart is. That’s all it takes for Toni to sob again. “I’m here now.” Shelby whispers softly. Silence stretches over them again as Toni lets all the anguish out of her body.

“I heard you, last night.”, Shelby says after a moment.

Oh.

“Well that’s embarrassing.”, Toni tries to brush it off. But Shelby smiles at her timidly. “Who were you…praying to?”, she asks hesitantly.

“I don’t really know.”, Toni says, because she really doesn’t. “To god. The universe. The stars. I’m not sure.” Toni bites the inside of her cheek. “To whoever was tormenting you.”

Shelby looks at her like she knows there’s more to it. Toni never liked talking about these things, but Shelby looks at her with patient eyes. And so, she tells her. She tells her about her life before, about how she’d pray but no one ever answered her, never came down to help. She tells her about how the universe always seemed to work against her. How it brings in good things in her life just to destroy them in front of her. She tells her how much she wants Shelby but doesn’t want bad things to happen to her because bad things always happened to the people that Toni loves the most.

When she’s done speaking, Shelby takes her hands in hers. “Thank you for telling me this.” She says. “What happened yesterday was an accident, Toni. And it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Especially not yours.”

And Toni wants to argue because she’s convinced that something bad will happen again if she stays around her. “But you don’t understand. What if I can’t protect you? What if you get hurt again and Dot’s not there? What if you get hurt because of me? I break things, Shelby. I break things and I destroy things and –” Toni swallows thickly. “I can’t lose you like that.”

“What if our plane crashes?” Shelby says, smile tugging at her lips, kind eyes looking back at her. “And what if we nosedive into the ocean and end up stranded? And what if we end up lost and starving?” Toni huffs, recognizing her own words she had told Shelby days ago, when what they had was still so new and scary. Shelby cups her face again and says, “What we have is good, Toni. It’s right.” And Toni’s heart skips a beat because Shelby sounds so certain.

“Bad things like this are always gonna happen. And I’ve known pain way before I met you, you know that. And even if this truly was some cosmic plot against us, I’m a big girl, it takes more than the universe going after my girlfriend to bring me down.” She says, wiping Toni’s tears away. “Do you know what kept me going?” Toni shakes her head no.

“I didn’t want to lose what we have. I never had this happiness before. I never had anyone before, who makes me feel the way you do or lets me be the way I am like you do. And the universe, or God, or whatever, can’t be all that malevolent when it brought us together.” She pauses, tugging Toni closer to her.

“It doesn’t matter what the universe puts against us, I’ll fight for you. And for us. Heck, I’ll even raise Hell if I have to, if it so much as thinks of taking you away from me.” Shelby smiles at her and Toni lets out a breathy laugh at that.

She thinks about it. Her life had always been about fighting _against_ something. Always in defence of something, always to protect herself. She never thought that it could be about fighting _for_ something. But Shelby looks at her like she’s the world. She looks at her like she’s the only thing that matters. She’s so sure of what she’s saying, when she says Toni’s worth fighting for. And Toni thinks she’d be able to stand against anything, so long Shelby’s eyes look at her like that.

Toni doesn’t believe in God. She doesn’t believe in a lot of things really. But when Shelby leans in to kiss her, when they whisper “I love you” against each other like they had always been meant to do that, when they hold each other firmly, not in fear of losing each other, but because it simply feels right, she believes in Shelby and she believes in them, and she believes they’re worth fighting for.

So, fuck the universe and its plan to overthrow her. It couldn’t if it tried. Toni’s a fighter after all, and so is Shelby. The universe doesn’t stand a chance against them together.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! i’d love to hear your thoughts, any feedback appreciated, you can come talk to me on twitter @pumpkinunderco if you feel like it :) thanks for reading !


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